Immaculate hearts

We went to the orphanage (Imaculata Corazon de la Reina Maria) again today after we went to the cathedral for mass. I've found this portion of each tour to be the hardest for me. The kids have their physical needs taken care of. They have food, they're safe, they go to school, nuns to take care of them, and volunteers to visit and entertain them. But they don't have families. And most or all of them are old enough to understand that they are "abandonados." There is a little boy, not much more than a year old, with beautiful, black salvadoran eyes and silky blond hair. His mother gave him up and then committed suicide. They talk about it right in front of him. If he doesn't understand now, he will soon. Someone told me he is the child of a prostitute. That may be why his hair is blond (unknown gringo dad).

I saw Darci again today. She was really shy. But then I got out my camera. "Quiero una foto con usted!" (I want a picture with you!) She beamed at the tiny image in the photograph when I showed it to her. We didn't talk much again today because she seemed really sad and angry. I wonder why.

Nancy, force that she is, got the supplies together a couple weeks ago to remodel the nursery. She repainted all of the walls and then we hung designs up all over the room. It makes the nursery seem so much lighter, safer somehow. Less like an institution.

The kids were really excited to see me again. I feel like I don't deserve it. I've been to see them three times, and each time, I fool around with them for a couple hours and then take off again. I don't deserve their adoration. They deserve what my little brother Mario has: a family to love them, even if it is not the family of their blood.

Little Ana comes to me readily though I'm not sure she remembers me. She gestured when she saw me and pointed to my backpack. We went through its contents until she found the camera she was looking for and then we had a photo shoot. But she didn't smile for the pictures. She can't be more than two. She deserves something to smile about.